Saturday, December 01, 2001

Candy Is Good For You

Government Demands Hearings, Children Weep WIth Joy

by Stu Mark

A team of independent researchers revealed today that candy is a viable source of nutritional value. "It's stupefying, really", commented Dr. Frank Crispo, head of the chemistry department at the University of Rhode Island. He, and a team of twelve, have been researching the nutritional value of sugar for the past ten years. After gathering data on over 10,000 children nationwide, the results were made public last night, even though they were first determined well over six months ago. "The results were so shocking", says Dr. Crisp, "we just couldn't imagine they were accurate, so we recompiled the data four more times." And the results, while shocking, are accurate.

The study, conducted by providing questionnaires to 500 children in 20 different cities across America, was produced every year from 1990 to 2000. Dr. Marcia Feinienstein, another member of the team, said "We were really careful with this study. We made sure each child knew that we were trying to determine just how nutritious sugar was, so that they would think carefully about their answers." The questionnaire posed interrogatives on a wide variety of topics, including current diet, related illnesses, and bedtime snacks.

The study further revealed that not only was sugar nutritious, but that, especially in ages 7 to 9, it was actually better for children than broccoli, cauliflower, or lima beans. "Lima beans was the shocker for me", said Dr. Patesh Imintookah, "as we hadn't theorized anything more nutritious than lima beans." "And yet we were wrong," continued Dr. Chilton Wallowsby, "so very wrong."

While the White House refused to comment on the study, Congressional leaders were gearing up for a extended schedule of hearings over the next month, culminating with an entire week devoted to interviewing many prominent grade-schoolers.

Rep. Harold Washburn (R), from Perlitz County, Illinois, was visibly concerned as he led the press conference on Capital Hill. "What about our way of life? We have farmers to think about." "And what about the ranchers?" continued Sen. Jim Cooke (D), Iowa, "Before we undo the very delicate balance of nature, we need to make sure that we're doing the right thing."

Meanwhile, children from all walks of life were uniting in the streets. Some cheered, some wept, some simply held hands and smiled at each other. In Chicago, the youngsters held candle-lit prayer circles in Hyde Park. In Seattle, a small riot broke out at a Stop-n-Go convenience store, but was eventually brought under control. And in New York City, children and candy store owners played stickball and climbed on the monkey-bars.

As for the doctors who conducted the research, they are just happy to have done the best work they could. "Maybe some good will come of this", says Dr. Crispo, "Maybe this is the beginning of something good." Time will tell.